Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once