Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Realize this:

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.