Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

*tries to get in your pantries*

There is no typo here.

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I hope google does well on my son’s test

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Very good! 👍😂

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth