Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.