Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Leonardo DiCaprisun

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.