Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

20 year old me)I’m going to be rich

30 year old me)I’m going to travel

40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person

50 year old me)I’m going to bed

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

This is enough internet for the day.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy