Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

#parenting

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.