Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators