Me when I wear 4 inch heels
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If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
