Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Date: Do you practice safe sex?

Me: I use the pull out method

Date: That doesn’t work!

Me *pulls out accordion*

Date: I don’t want to have sex with you

Me: It always works

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

*struts into the new year
~ trips

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably