Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

put ‘er there pardner!