Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

I have more photos of sandwiches on my phone than I do of my children

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…

It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.