Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

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Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all