Me when I’m making a big pot of soup: haha fuck yeah!! Yes!!
Me when I have to clean the big pot I used to make the soup: well this f***ing sucks. What the f**k
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.