Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it