Me when I’m ovulating
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Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50