Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.