Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?