Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
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Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I am absolutely never leaving this website
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Jurassic park gets weird
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.