me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*