me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“What?”
– Jude
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997