Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Employees must applaud the planets.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream