me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.