me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
respect
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I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.