me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Every time.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Holy crap this is wonderful
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…