Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.