Me when my alarm goes off
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Make me look younger
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
bury ourselves
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)