Me when my alarm goes off
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Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Breaking news:
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
What flavor cupcake are these
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet