me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No