Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
You had me at “define legal”.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby