Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
#Caturday
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
No.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.