Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line