Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.