Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
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Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos