Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE![]()
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You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.