Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.