Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE![]()
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I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I’m not wrong
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow