Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

Wedding planning is organized crime.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.

And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

😉😝

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!