me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash