me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My first son he is wonderful
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Jail
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]