me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I’d hang this in my house.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Dietest Coke
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!