me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
You Might Also Like
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.