Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.