Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Boating season is upon us.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.