Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Breaking news:

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Grew big

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.