Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!