Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

I love it

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

He also looks really rough for a 4 year old

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed