Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.