Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
groan^2
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Succinctly put.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.