Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?

A: A cat. Cats love fish.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

welcome mats are just gateway rugs