ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Happy birthday to all the women
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
“i miss shittin on people”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
much to think about
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
