For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
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[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Then mom gave birth to me.
Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.
I know that now.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: … V-Verizon.