ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

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For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.


[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this


You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.


Accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister’s parents felt.


Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”


[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?


In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.


Urban Dictionary is fake, and cannot be used in a court of law.

I know that now.


I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”


HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.