me when somebody idk start touching me
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3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.