me when somebody idk start touching me
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I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)