me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
