me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You Might Also Like
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.