me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.