Me when someone tries to get to know me
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Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me too, bag. Me too….
