me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.