me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”