Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …