Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*