Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.