me when the borders lift
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Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi