me when the borders lift
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist