me when the borders lift
You Might Also Like
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa