Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
this has to be peak English
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT