Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

is it too early for christmas memes

Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

[first day working as a librarian]

ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh

HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.

Just didn’t want it to be a cop.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Watermelon Boss!

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

cab driver: how was your meal?

wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped

cab driver: that’s too bad

me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead