Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75