Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
