Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Previously On Persistence 😎
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle