me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
this isn’t threatening at all
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.