Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

Fruity

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.