me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Based Erika
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
(Gaming support cat.)
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”