Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

on da cob, we all corn

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix