Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
You Might Also Like
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
LOL
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*