Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Just so funny

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.