Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
oh you wanna fight?!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly