Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
You Might Also Like
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
That’s commitment
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies