Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,

“Guess who got laid last night?”

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

Him: Hi

Me: I bet you say that to all the girls

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

😭😭😭😭

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday