Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…