Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
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Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
me when i see my girls butt
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Seems kinda suspicious
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.