Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m too immature for adultery.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
🖕🏻👽
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.