Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
All. The. Damn. Time.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
i love meeting boys on tinder
But wait…
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels