Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

From my Mom

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.